he was born two days ago. a perfect miracle - two lives, one. a photo stilled my heart, i let out a sigh of love and disbelief at the beauty of his face, his two tiny hands resting gently on the blanket. big, bright eyes. a world of possibility.

so innocent, so unknowing. a tiny life that has changed so many others, with grace, already. and that’s the thing about a baby, about LJ. he made his mark from the second he arrived, the first time he looked into his mother’s eyes, the first time his father held him.

his life is a blessing, he is the extraordinary result of love. two hearts combined, two souls creating a destiny. it’s fate, in its purest form.

i am so proud of you lex - a brave and beautiful woman - and luis - a strong and willing father - you are both the reason for this miracle.

love found a way. love into life into little logan joseph.

everything feels frantic. i’m anxious and on edge. it feels like it’s all getting away from me. like life is moving too fast. and it’s taking my precious time with it. 

i feel out of control. out of my body, at times. i feel disconnected and everything seems vague and dreamlike. it’s unnerving. 

i like to be in control. it’s testing to not be. and it’s taking it’s toll.

oh give me something tangible to take into my dreams. something to hold onto in the darkness. make my life miserably brilliant. depressingly perfect. enviable to myself. bring me my wishes and princes on white horses. rainbows with treasure chests and fairy dust at my bedside. let me wake to beautiful memories of dreams too painfully vivid. everlasting love and til death do we part. those kisses that will bring you back to life. 

the fairytale.

let me live it and remember it forever.

and these moments now, of uncontrollableness, well let them be a part of it all. the bigger picture of life and other things. the contrast of the serene beauty and the painstaking reality of a passionate life. the ghost of regret that lingers too long, no matter your denial.

i’ll live in the moment. there’s nothing but now. i’ll remember that the next time i listen to you speak, and nothing sinks in. i’ll be present. stay here. listen. take it all in. i won’t be absent, i’ll be involved.

cross my heart.

i’m still here. i can still feel the cold air on my face as i drive, in the night, with the window down. i can still smell the fabric softener on my jumper that reminds me just how much i’m loved. i can still see the faces of my family every day, hug them, tell them i love them. and i can still take them for granted, every day. stupid me.

sitting there this afternoon, hearing the sobs and watching the tears stream down innocent faces, the dry eyes of the stoic, too, i thought about my own family. mum sitting to my right, dad another seat over. the boys, my brothers always there and always strong, and their girls. my grandparents. my aunty, uncle. my cousins: the girls who worry me most. their little hearts, broken. 

she said her only reason for living, was them. those girls, too young to have to know this. too young to have this experience. 

my friend rhiannon told me, sometimes people are stuck in their bodies here, and only after passing can they truly be free. so now, she is free. may she rest, peacefully, in a life more like the one she should have had on earth.

it’s too true, death puts life into perspective. i don’t know what i would do if…i don’t know what i would do. so it’s not something you think about day to day. you live and you make a life and you do what you love and you appreciate everything, everyone. 

death is sad. but it happens. the only thing we can do is live. with truth, with dignity, with vigour. with love for all the beauty surrounding us.

road to hana, you were so much more than i thought you would be.

green, green, green. everywhere. but not typical. forests of bamboo, tall, dense, green. rocks on the side of the road growing moss, green. ferns growing up the side of steep cliff faces, green. trees and shrubs and grasses, all green.

the road was windy. but i didn’t get sick. there was too much to look at, too much to take in. waterfalls seemed like movies, the ocean reminded me of a 90s photograph. rough, angry, choppy seas, ravaging waves onto rocks and bursting in all directions. rocks everywhere: volcanic rock, pebbles, stones, pieces of maui. red sand beach, black sand beach. hiking, climbing, scratching, bruising, sweating, looking, thinking, taking it all in. 

it was probably too much. too much for my over thinking brain.

coconut glen, the vegan ice cream man, selling by the side of the road. coconut, chocolate and chipotle; coconut curry; coconut and liliko’i; soon to come again: avocado and pistachio; saving tips to buy an ice cream truck. go coconut glen.

i can’t say much more. it’s overwhelming, stunning, straight from a movie. i never fathomed places like these actually existed. i have seen stunning scenery before, but this was an absolute experience. the whole day my hub for discovery in every tiny moment.

and on the way home, i thought about the places we didn’t see, the forest and paths made from animals, locals, or not carved at all; the secret spots, the untouched areas. there is so much we don’t know. exploration is intriguing, but at what point can you be satisfied in saying i have discovered enough i am ready to stop looking?

Read More