homeless

they live in a tent, on the side of the road. a mother of two and a bump for another, so nearly here. the father stood, with a shopping cart and tired eyes, outside the canvas they call their home.

she smiled so gratefully as we passed her some clothes and passed her son, maybe five, some toys.

'thaaank you, verrry much!' he said with the melodic bubbling of a child's happiness. a grin spread so wide across his little face.

she sat in their home and fed her youngest, he stood shakily and watched on with bright eyes. i smiled at him and he smiled back, toothless, joyful.

rain began to gently fall.

the family of nearly five, in a tent for a home on the side of the road. a footpath for a mattress and a zip for their front door.

i spend my life waiting.

i’m feeling a bit revived. like someone took a tiny ray of the sun and put it in my dreams. i like rainbows, a lot. that honest way they move me when i see them, is what i want to feel everyday - for every minute i live.

i want to know who gave me the sun.

there’s an ambition in me now, one i think i lost for some moments, when i got myself lost in some moments. i feel it bubbling under my skin and deep in my heart. the physical feeling from the smells and the sounds and the memories. the weeks lost in journeys and those people with their stories so full. the cherry that made it all worthwhile.

so grateful, i am. humbled, too. it’s not often you get this lucky - at least i don’t think. so i count my blessings one by one, day by day. you don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

i lay here in a moment that feels like grace. if i could float i think i would. because i’ve found my plans again. i’ll wait, everyday, for however long it takes, to know that i’ll be seeing rainbows.

keep feeding me those little rays of sun.

"be grateful to have been given one more day, let alone one more year. remember to dance in your nightgown, sing in the shower, ride a bike, fly a kite and take an occasional “wind bath” in your bare skin. give those you love big kisses and huge hugs, and the words “i love you” often and always. nurture your body rather than starve your soul with fad dieting. spend time with the old and the weary to better appreciate your life. on your birthday, call your mother and father wherever they are to thank them for all the have done for you, even if you think they haven’t done enough. watch “life is beautiful” at least once a year. remember you are not guaranteed tomorrow and that today is as good as it gets. thank god for every “thing,” every “day,” every moment."

philosophy.

no ordinary girl.

my mind is working overtime, more so than usual, and in a different way. i haven’t been thinking consuming thoughts, those that affect you, wire you to yourself internally. i have been thinking about the future, daydreaming, wondering when, how, what, if. all the opportunities and moments awaiting me, an hour away, a day away, a week away, however long away, i reach for them. i yearn for them. i can’t wait to be in them, looking back and thinking about how i longed for each moment.

i just don’t want to take them for granted.

it happens all too often. you’re in a place, at a particular time, feeling whole. and then it’s done. and then it’s gone. and you begin to think about it in hindsight. in retrospect. with a different mindset, headspace, emotionality. and you wonder why you didn’t suck every last particle of energy from that moment. why you didn’t capture the feeling in a little glass jar and put it under your pillow when you went to bed, just so you might recreate that relatively tiny space of lifetime in your dreams that night. and as many nights after that until the energy slowly seeped from the little cracks where the lid meets the glass by which time you had experienced a similar feeling to hold. and so the cycle could continue.

i painfully admit i have taken things for granted recently. i can see myself doing it, and i try my hardest to stop it, but i can’t. it is what it is. but i’ll never stop trying.

today was a day i couldn’t take for granted, even if i tried. i worked with my dad today. i sanded and painted and hammered and nail gunned. and it was a perfect day, doing things not everyone does in their life. doing things that make me appreciate where i have come from. who i am. my dad who can do anything.

exhausted, i sit in bed thinking about today and i put that feeling in my little glass jar. 

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