my chest just tightened when i thought about it.

my breath is leaving me anxious. i’m flooded with vivid memories of maui. that feeling i thought i’d filed subconsciously away just reemerged with a vengeance. i felt the air. the smell of the little hut i lived in…marijuana mixed with insect repellent and lavender.

the humidity and the burning sun and the sand stuck with sunscreen on my skin. the blandness of the water running over my mouth when i stood in that outdoor shower and washed the salt from my face. the sound of the creak in the gate, and the bang as it swung shut.

the heat of the nights.

the sprinklers on shopfronts that cooled me as i rode my bike down front street. the asphalt of the road on my toes as i stopped at stop signs. and dragging my thongs as i took off again. palm trees passing shadows over my body. the air-conditioning of grandma’s place. the big terracotta tiles under my feet in the kitchen, the darkness of the shower with the broken lights and heavy curtain. 

the shade of the banyan tree.

the coolness trapped between the mountains near the waterfalls near the winding roads. the dampness of the ground and the smell of wet dirt under bamboo plants so tall.

the feeling of my legs indented with marks from the swinging cane chair that hung from a palm tree, under the hut, next to the pool, at the place i called my home.

it hurts my chest to think about it.

maui has been so much. landing felt like returning home. i had missed this place and i could feel it in the runway when the plane glided to a stop. i was grounded, it was familiar, it is home away from home. or, home in itself.

perfect days of sunsets and full moons and driving on single-laned roads. of surf breaks and health food and diving into waves. salt water, sticky sand, ukuleles and shave ice stands. perfect days with long distance friends. that reggae on the radio again.

i would do anything to move back. live to just live. feel the world around me. 

this time spent travelling alone has been invaluable. i love myself and i love who i am. maui made it mean something again. reminded me of it all over. in every breath of island air.

so i’ll miss this place again. but i’ll see it in photographs and phone calls and friendships far away. it won’t be long before i’m home again.

i did some yoga, ate pineapple and papaya for breakfast and drank my green tea. i did this for my last morning on kauai with the salty air blowing my hair and the sun prickling my skin.

i’ll return with new hopes, or different hopes, who knows. kauai, the garden island, is more than a destination. i found a part of myself here that i’d forgotten all about. on my own, i thrived. i pushed myself and found myself. i can’t wait to get back.

i’m leaving for hawaii tomorrow. to soak up sun and let warmth envelope me. a-week-and-a-half to be on my own and redefine the goals i’m setting for myself.

this journey of personal discovery is never ending.

so much has changed since my last visit. everything i have now, everything i am, is different. bigger. so much more important. evolving and growing, my life is blossoming into something i could never have imagined. feelings to take me over. life devoured in love all around me.

i’m so excited.

i’m going back to hawaii. to where i left my heart. the people, the smell, the feeling. that place.

i started work last week. started something i’ve been wanting to start for a while, now. you know, starting something and seeing something happen. future plans. direction.

i day dream. a lot. i day dream about maui (hawaii in general, really). i am yearning to go back. travel. see and do all the things i didn’t while i was there. soak in those glorious rays of sun so warm, lay on the sand and watch the clouds float by.

it seems i forget to do things now. when i’m busy, i’m not myself. i hope that ends soon. i miss myself. hah. that’s ridiculous. what i mean is, well, i am trying to be someone i haven’t been in a long time…maybe even ever before. no, not trying to be, having to be. i’ve been thrust into a position, forced to conform and become a busy person.

now that life in maui, while only a day dream away, seems like a lifetime ago.

in two weeks, it will be twelve months since i finished university. so much has happened. yet i am still kicking myself for not having moved into the next phase of my life. i’m transitioning. i’m relaxing. i’m having fun. i have no worries or responsibilities. life is freaking amazing right now.

why the hell am i complaining?

i could live like this forever. write for the rest of my life. for fun. live like a hippie. move back to hawaii to live in a shack by the ocean. all i’ll need is a computer, an old typewriter, no, sheesh, endless reams of paper and pens, no pencils…and a sharpener!

my feet will be hardened from walking around with no shoes. i’ll have a dog named doug who fetches the paper and swims in the sea. i’ll eat bananas and coconuts that fall from the trees.

i’ll be free.