moments

it’s dusk and people start to leave the beach. they scatter off in twos and threes and families, they retreat.

the sun has set, the show is over. but this is when the magic happens! this is the in betweenness. before the moon and stars. this is a moment just for you and me and us! just stay. after it all seems done, stay. nothing’s changed and no one knows better so stay.

while the air is light and the clouds glow off-white, the sand still feels warm, you’re all i need til dawn.

stay, you know it too.

"aia i ka ‘opua ke ola:
he ola nui, he ola laula, he ola hohonu, he ola ki’eki’e."

life is in the clouds:
great life, broad life, deep life, elevated life.

- from: ‘olelo no’eau

night one of our adventure to kauai

last night i met a woman, her name is laura. she lay in starched white sheets. the hospital was quiet. she brushed her teeth, with struggle and determination. success in her spit.

i think she was shy. i walked with hesitation into the room. and i didn’t know where to look. oh what a nice photo. oh wow that’s so pretty. oh this oh that. blah blah blah.

nervous giggles.
awkward laughter.
shifting eyes.
a smile plastered, hoping she knew i was just trying to understand.

i felt too outward, too obvious. my cover of trying to pretend it was normal, that i’d seen it all before, was blown.

her name is laura, she has a brain tumour. she has been fighting for four years. and she told us, in minimal words, what we just had to see on her island home.

her eyes did all the smiling and the laughing and the listening. i thought so much that i would cry.

laura and her toothbrush and her stories of kauai.

my beloved

the people here, they get me. they get what i’m about and so they get all of me. the conversations were what i missed most when i left. and they’re what i’m most grateful for, being back.

it has been a while now since i started realising the force of these islands. realising where we all stand in the greater, grander, more powerful way of life. realising how we create a collective energy and feed the vibrations of all that surrounds us. in the fibres of the leaves on the trees so old or young. in the petals of the flowers that hang from branches, that rest behind ears. in the simple creation and dissipation of a single raindrop and the rain and storms from rainclouds and storm clouds in a sky so wide.

we are the everything we find in the spectrum of a rainbow. we’re all the colours, all the brightness. we’re all the stopping and staring, the awe and the wonder. and it’s here that my energy finds your energy and you don’t ebb to my flow but we swim up the rivers of our lives as one, single, pulsating devotion to all that is beautiful, for all that exists with or without us here.

because life goes on. but life on these islands works like magic. it ticks with the hands of a watch built in history, mythology and indescribable happenstance that only lives alongside hearts wide open and souls ready to be filled to the brim with the all of it.

this island, you all, get the all of me, like maybe no one has ever known. so go, find me in the valleys, find me on the ridges. find me in the ocean and on beaches. find me where you need me and know that i’ll appear, in glistening sunsets and never-ending horizons that seem so close as we watch them fall away with the push and pull of the sun. know i’ll be here, for you with you in you.

dawn dawning dawned

soon this beach will be scattered with people but for now i have it just to myself. just me some birds some flies some wind, the sand the sea some trees and shells.

what i put out i get right back, so my energy wanes and explodes maybe where it’s not supposed to. i take a step the other way and recognise that day-to-day i should find something stronger. something less of an option and prioritise the heart that needs above the heart that wants.

yesterday they all reached out. yesterday home was on my mind. yesterday i needed them and they needed me and we needed each other so we found each other, like we know we can.

it’s early it’s morning i sit by the sea watching ripples and blueness and whitewash and waves [they don’t compare to the waves i left].

and i think.

until now i’d never seen hawaii in the summertime. i’d never felt the pull of the sun so high in such a blue sky. the power the vibes the heat.

i need to change my focus.

wednesday

and it fell all over me like glittering sunlight dripping from the sky into the ocean where we lay
so blue
so clear.

and it raced through the millions of roadways and rivers and crevasses and mountains
within me
within you.

and it lay down next to me on a mattress made of memories made of yesterdays and who-knows-when’s
i’m too ready
to dream.

we were separated
by salt water
by space and air
by the centre console of his car.

but we remembered - we never were very good at keeping friends with any of that space between.

[it wasn’t today, by the way]

my eyes burn. they’re tired. but i think, so i’m awake.

[a mosquito nnnnns around my head.]

today, yes today, was a very peculiar day. you see, i’m lost. rather, i’m just a little confused. a little separated from reality. a little on edge. i’m waiting.

[i hate waiting.]

today i saw hawaii everywhere. i felt i’d lost the magic. that it stayed, with my heart [not unusually], on the island. but i saw hawaii everywhere and i guess i saw little glimpses of the magic, too.

i know better now. hawaii lives in me. in the crevasses of my soul. in the peaks and valleys of my memories. it’s the place, yeah, but it’s about those good vibes, the ones that fed me day after day - but that lives in me. it follows me, hunts and chases and envelopes me, everywhere i go.

read me like a book. you’ll see the magic in my eyes.

dear molly

i want to write down all the things i just need to tell you, until my eyes close and i’m left only dreaming of them all. and in these beautiful dreams, i’ll be back there and we’ll be watching sunsets and running down the bike path and eating ice cream with forks and drinking the cheapest red wine talking shit and sex and life sitting on the picnic table in the yard under fairy lights and stars. and you’ll be making me laugh like i don’t ever laugh and life will be wonderful and fun and full.

oh how i miss you. i feel it in my everyday.

live and let live

i hope you know what you did to me. how you moved me. how you made me feel. i’ll miss you, maybe more than i think. maybe more than i’ll ever be able to say. but much more than i expect to, i know that at least.

hawaii changed my life once more. it seems she pulls me back in, every time i leave. it’s magnetic, hypnotic, unequivocally meant for me.

you’re a part of that this time. there is nothing to overthink, the feelings are the feelings they are. so it will be what it will be and we’ll trust in how perfect that is.

until then

i leave hawaii tonight. i leave to newness. to travel, more adventures, old friends, new experiences, old memories flooding back.

there’s a nostalgia about this moment. a time where i would do anything to stay, but give everything to leave, too. the double-edged sword, the bittersweetness tickling my taste buds.

the people i leave behind, who they made me, what they taught me. why i am now who i am.

i’ll miss you. all of you.

[ninety-four]

super #adventuresundays!

climbed the haiku stairs, stairway to heaven - 2800ft, over 4000 stairs - in the dark to watch sunrise. then went skydiving just to get a little bit higher.

it seems i went to heaven twice.

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