she/him/they/it

and a song starts playing on the drier because the clothes are clean and dry and its happy tune mocks my gloomy mood
and
the
world
keeps
spinning.

sonder

he taught me that word, when it was only words. when we existed between the letters of the alphabet, sentences of this and that and not much else. when we existed between dreams and waking, all the time and space that separated us.

i miss you.
i miss you too.
i can’t wait to see you.
not long now.
when will you arrive.
never soon enough.

this isn’t just about me, you’re the same, we’re all the same. there’s chaos in everything, chaos and complexity. we’re all connected, all pulling at that same invisible thread. only to find a reason in everything and no reason for anything. because it exists deeper in our hearts than we could ever reach. it exists so far beyond the universe than we could ever find. it exists a million hours away and in this very second.

mine 
and yours 
and theirs,
the make up of all our sorrows and happiness. our wonders and revelations. of our togetherness. all ours and theirs and yours and mine.

so i could spend the rest of my life just missing you. but i won’t. because maybe this means more than that; that you know it too; that it’s all just one perfect moment of in between; that this feels like our very own in between and we’re the only ones in this singular, looping, perfect dream of ever-land. 

we’re all going somewhere, we’re all feeling something, we’re all connected. so double knot my thread with yours and let my complexity become your simplicity and revel in the notion that nothing and everything is why it is what it is.

oh

you remind me of a boy who broke my heart.

wonderland

i miss you. like an unending story of heartbreak, pain and soul-wrenching, gut-churning, complete, wretched, unfortunate loss.

wipe tiny tears from the edges of my heart.

you sit so quietly, always, in the back of my imagination.

i close my eyes.

i want to write about it. but it scares me, more than a little. 

this time of year reminds me of him. 

i miss you. in a strange kind of way. unusual. unexpected. unrelenting. at times, anyway.

but it’s christmas that does it. the weather and the year, coming to an end. empty moments, memories. that’s all. snippets of the past. of what was.

with fondness, yeah, that’s how i see it. 

i miss you. sometimes.

bleeding hearts.

i desperately wanted to fall in love with him again. to be able to tell him i felt it too. he said everything i ever dreamed of hearing. but i couldn’t say it back.

i thought i just needed time. time to get over what he did to me. time to fall back into that feeling. time to grow in love.

my eyes blurred with tears as i felt blindly with my thumbs, searching for the letters.

i

m
s
o
r
r
y
.

time wasn’t enough, for him, for me. i hurt him and that kills me, i never meant for that to happen. i crossed my heart and i promised him. i care about him more than i can say. i wish i could have been that person, to offer him everything and throw every part of my heart, my soul, my entire being into it, for it to become my only reason for living.

too much held me back. maybe i should’ve told him sooner. but i just couldn’t stand the idea of losing the thing i once wanted more than anything else in the world.

if only you knew how deeply sorry i am.

wild words.

it felt like a scene from a movie. all those words flooding my head. not my heart, not really. nothing is sinking in much further than skin deep, lately anyway. they tell me things and i hear them. but i’m not listening. i’m not processing. i’m not feeling.

it felt like a scene from a movie without, well, without a resolution. the words were words, said like something out of reflex or reaction. a chain reaction. one thing ended so it was back to the original. out with the new, in with the old. why didn’t he think of that sooner? why did he have to wait so long? 

things change. seasons pass. time moves forward. nothing in my life has been stagnant or routine or constant. i’m used to the change, the feeling of the ticking clock. the colours of the leaves as they move from green to orange and brown, to the ground. the rhythm of the world on a holiday, on a work day, on an ordinary sunday. 

fate is why he broke my heart.

facts.

remind me to tell you, when i see you next. he has a girlfriend, apparently long term, apparently he’s happy. very happy. hmmm.

you know, shit happens. and maybe i made a mountain out of a molehill. maybe it wasn’t what i thought. maybe i want it so bad that i made it all up in my head. or maybe i didn’t and it’s just bad luck. so sorry, i won’t deny it or think it was wrong. it was what it was.

either way, i won’t lose sleep and i won’t let my heart ache. i’ll pass it off as a fleeting dream. a moment where for just a little while it was me on a cloud of a feeling so nice. 

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