wonderland

i miss you. like an unending story of heartbreak, pain and soul-wrenching, gut-churning, complete, wretched, unfortunate loss.

wipe tiny tears from the edges of my heart.

you sit so quietly, always, in the back of my imagination.

i close my eyes.

i want to write about it. but it scares me, more than a little. 

this time of year reminds me of him. 

i miss you. in a strange kind of way. unusual. unexpected. unrelenting. at times, anyway.

but it’s christmas that does it. the weather and the year, coming to an end. empty moments, memories. that’s all. snippets of the past. of what was.

with fondness, yeah, that’s how i see it. 

i miss you. sometimes.

bleeding hearts.

i desperately wanted to fall in love with him again. to be able to tell him i felt it too. he said everything i ever dreamed of hearing. but i couldn’t say it back.

i thought i just needed time. time to get over what he did to me. time to fall back into that feeling. time to grow in love.

my eyes blurred with tears as i felt blindly with my thumbs, searching for the letters.

i

m
s
o
r
r
y
.

time wasn’t enough, for him, for me. i hurt him and that kills me, i never meant for that to happen. i crossed my heart and i promised him. i care about him more than i can say. i wish i could have been that person, to offer him everything and throw every part of my heart, my soul, my entire being into it, for it to become my only reason for living.

too much held me back. maybe i should’ve told him sooner. but i just couldn’t stand the idea of losing the thing i once wanted more than anything else in the world.

if only you knew how deeply sorry i am.

wild words.

it felt like a scene from a movie. all those words flooding my head. not my heart, not really. nothing is sinking in much further than skin deep, lately anyway. they tell me things and i hear them. but i’m not listening. i’m not processing. i’m not feeling.

it felt like a scene from a movie without, well, without a resolution. the words were words, said like something out of reflex or reaction. a chain reaction. one thing ended so it was back to the original. out with the new, in with the old. why didn’t he think of that sooner? why did he have to wait so long? 

things change. seasons pass. time moves forward. nothing in my life has been stagnant or routine or constant. i’m used to the change, the feeling of the ticking clock. the colours of the leaves as they move from green to orange and brown, to the ground. the rhythm of the world on a holiday, on a work day, on an ordinary sunday. 

fate is why he broke my heart.

facts.

remind me to tell you, when i see you next. he has a girlfriend, apparently long term, apparently he’s happy. very happy. hmmm.

you know, shit happens. and maybe i made a mountain out of a molehill. maybe it wasn’t what i thought. maybe i want it so bad that i made it all up in my head. or maybe i didn’t and it’s just bad luck. so sorry, i won’t deny it or think it was wrong. it was what it was.

either way, i won’t lose sleep and i won’t let my heart ache. i’ll pass it off as a fleeting dream. a moment where for just a little while it was me on a cloud of a feeling so nice. 

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