"aia i ka ‘opua ke ola:
he ola nui, he ola laula, he ola hohonu, he ola ki’eki’e."

life is in the clouds:
great life, broad life, deep life, elevated life.

- from: ‘olelo no’eau

four letters

i won’t write about love. not today. i won’t think about the person i know it will change me into. i won’t pretend i’m waiting for love to save me [and expecting it will]. today i won’t tell myself that love is why i breathe why i write why i pour myself into all the things i do and do them only ever with love. i won’t pretend it’s not why i pull myself up and out and into life, in all those moments when i’d rather pull covers over my head and think about nothing, instead.

i’ll never admit that love scares me.

i won’t apologise for being utterly in love with being in love, for falling fast, for falling for the idea of a man instead of the man himself, because maybe i’ll fall a thousand times more. if i choose to.

i won’t feel ashamed of believing it will be soulmate big.

because one day i’ll melt into the all of you when you kiss me for the first time, the second
the third time,
and every wonderful time after that.

one day when you,
my love,
walk into, change and completely beautify my life.

linger

and so the ash falls from the memories that burn, peacefully and silently. but it becomes the ground becomes the plants and trees and all the world around me.

it becomes my feelings about life and
love and
you and
him and
them and
us
and strangers on park benches, 
and fathers pushing babies in prams through shopping centres. baristas who know your name, know the kind of milk you take. and then there are all those travellers you meet and love along the way.

in kindness and goodness and altogether loveliness, i’ll make more memories, everyday. as if it always mattered, it always does, it always will. i’ll make beautiful memories. take photos with my heart. capture conversations with my mind. flood my soul with feelings and saturate my entire being with love.

memories to ashes. so peaceful and so silent. 

wednesday

and it fell all over me like glittering sunlight dripping from the sky into the ocean where we lay
so blue
so clear.

and it raced through the millions of roadways and rivers and crevasses and mountains
within me
within you.

and it lay down next to me on a mattress made of memories made of yesterdays and who-knows-when’s
i’m too ready
to dream.

we were separated
by salt water
by space and air
by the centre console of his car.

but we remembered - we never were very good at keeping friends with any of that space between.

north/south/east/west

so i change and break, and move and stay and fall and fly and hurt and stumble, and i get right back up. those moments of shifting and deciding what’s right or worthy or wrong or hopeful will bring resolve to my life my path my future.

i’ll find the answers in the roots, in the arteries of the empathy and the reason for it all.

why do the pieces fall in the places they do?

well,
why do they fall at all?

i make patterns from the chaos and pictures in the litter. this life is beaming with possibilities so open, endless. infinite. i choose what i choose and i follow the lead of my heart. her beat lays braille, she’s the compass i read, wide-eyed and willingly. and the touch pulls me gently, the faintest flutter, the air in a butterfly’s wings.

she’ll pave a way through the wilderness of this wonderful, beautiful, magical world.

farewell

take this fear and throw it on the fire of my imagination. i’ll watch it burn and turn to embers. i’ll watch it become ash. it’s settled on my skin, just heavy enough to notice, just light enough for the wind to take it with its breath as i finally let it go.

we’re all scared. life is daunting and overwhelming. life is unexpected and unrelenting. so what do we do with the fear when it rises and bubbles? how do we pull it from all the places it doesn’t belong and let it be only a reminder of the courage and freedom that it perpetuates deep within us every second of every day?

we live.

we do the things we long to do, the things that burn holes in our desire. that change us and open our minds in no way we thought possible. we learn. we discover. we chase our loves and bare our souls to this crazy, beautiful world. we say yes, with wholeheartedness, to everything good and kind.

we love.

we take the chances our ego warns us of. we pull ourselves out and over the edge and we fall into the love all around us, within us, smiling and screaming with joy and hopefulness, as we find our wings and fly. surrender to your life and everything you want so deeply, wholly, surely. 

be fearless, be brave. let love be life and life be love.

starry-eyed

i was stretched on my back, on a picnic table on a deck, looking up in astounding delightedness. shooting stars and fireflies made movement in the stillness. my mind emptied of care, all thoughts were sparse. i was a part of the nighttime and the darkness as it all exploded behind my eyes - shooting stars and those pretty, flitting fireflies, the first night i ever saw them.

the blackness was pinched with pinpricks of white light, so unusually bright, so usually dimmed by cities and society. and across the sky the milky way shifted. i felt uneasy and so comfortable with my momentary insignificance, feebleness.

the sky is so big. the stars are so far away. i am the smallest part of the ever long. but i am all of it too, and all of it is born and lives in me. 

so maybe the world is small and i am bigger than i know. because i can express these illogical, incomprehensible feelings. i can make whatever meaning i like of the emotion that floods my being. i can find my place within the life i’m living and accepting for myself. i have chosen this. and i am so satisfied with that. 

i breathed into the night and exhaled a sigh of content. 

i don’t know if i’ve ever seen a night sky so pretty.

'a poem starts with a lump in the throat' - robert frost

i want to write poetry on big sheets of paper. i want inky pens and gliding prose to rearrange the whiteness of a blank page that stares, so stark, so blindingly, back at me.

i want to write a story in rhyme, or not. 

i want it to mean something when pulled this way or that way 
or no way at all. 

my own lines to time will change the world in words that mean nothing alone. 

but i’ll string them together with dreaming and heartbreak, 
with honest to goodness forevers’ and always’. 

i’ll piece them just where i think they belong. 

i’ll change and i’ll utter the words of the world. of people, in remembering, and things, all the same. 

because poems and people are flowing through mazes 
of days and time and secret hiding places built in forts as children, built in others when grown. 
in their hearts, in their stories, along the threads of our own.

within a life we make from the choices we’re given, 
between yeses and nos. 
and i’ll write the prose of the poems and people, all just the same. in this world. on that edge. balancing between falling and 

falling.

twinkle

i want the fairytale. i want the consistency of emotion, the growing and brewing of something as it strengthens and changes and pumps the blood through the veins of what holds me together. 

say stay. say go. it’s not too hard. it’s life and it’s love and it’s crazy. but it’s real and should be nurtured and fostered.

not broken for scraps. 

[we stood against the world and the chances drowned your hopefulness.] 

[i thought i knew better.]

i want the fairytale. i want the idealism. the emotion. i want the pain, the heartache, the tears and the breaking and repairing the tearing. so che sarà, sarà - it’s not yet midnight in the dance of my heart. there is so much moonlight left for my once upon a time.

brighter

and just like that it burst from my soul. a rush so strong it made my fingers dance with delight along the keys of my happy future. 

this. 
just this. 

writing and loving and poetically defining my life in the way i feel it best. the way that sustains me, that makes me live like this! that makes me want to feel more! so i can write more and love more! so i can write more. and break more. and burn more. travel more and see more of this wonderful, mysterious, world with stories so deep and rich. so i can write more. until my most sacred secrets come spilling out of all the words i tried so hard to put into such perfect prose and paragraphs. until everything falls down or everything explodes. or we melt or we perish or we surrender to whatever it is that’s coming our way. in the you and the me. in the blueness of the ocean on the sunniest day. in the pride and ceaseless love of my family and friends who understand me most. in the yearning and wanting and longing for the everything else. 

my soul is on fire. 

you’ll find me here - you’ll find me everywhere - in the new and the uncomfortable. in the missing home, the craving for more, the searching for place and the figuring out that this world is my place, i’ll explore her my entire life.

so you’ll find me in my words, as i run side-by-side with my most passionate dreams.

stop, stop.

and if i make any promise at all, it will be to stop with all the lies that lurk around my lips - those filthy thoughts that catch on every word i’m too scared to say.

so heart, what is it that you want? 

i’ll give that to you. whatever it may be, whatever makes your beating bravest. no matter how blind or broke or ignorant i am. if it’s on the other side of fear, i’ll trek through. no matter how insane, ridiculous, utterly impossible it seems,

i’ll give it all to you.

because i’m done with lying to my heart.

day 121

i just want to go everywhere, see everything. 

i want to slice my heart into a million pieces, cast slivers wherever i go and reel in all the lessons learned in midnight conversations, drunken 3ams and waking before birdsong. i want to see skylines glittered with brilliant rainbows and yellow moons, changing constellations, scorching sunsets and animals made of clouds. 

i want to meet people with stories so bold, saturated and seeping with pain or elatedness or adventure or hopefulness - or all of it together in one big bundle of bravery, of living. i want to fall in love for a week and lose my breath to emotion so unexpectedly deep. 

i want tears to come when beauty comes and whispers in my ear to wake me so gently from the exquisiteness of my daydreaming.

i want the heartbreak of a hollywood goodbye and the giddiness of an overdue reunion. i want friends, i want lovers, i want passersby to change my life. i want to be surprised, to make no plans and find a way, catch a train to nowhere, laugh at my loneliness and call life out as the spade it is.

i want to become lost in it all. and i want to wander this world barefooted and bright-eyed. 

oh let me know everywhere and feel everything so perfectly so real.

any day now

beneath it all, brewing and bubbling, a beautiful thing is happening.

a thing that will change my life, change yours too. oh, and change the world, you know. because that’s all i really want to do. change the world and give give give so much love.

[it’s all there bottled and ready - so take it if you dare. take it and drown in it. and know exactly what to do as it fills your heart and offers a completeness - one we always search for, but one that’s found in unseeing. in unthinking. in the undoing of all we’ve been told to know.]

the wind moves fast and the birds call loud and i stop and i breathe and i smile, just to take the time to feel the excitement pulsating through my veins, against my skin and into my heart, as it all starts to erupt in fiery anticipation and elation. 

it’s joy, so pure and lovely.

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