everything feels frantic. i’m anxious and on edge. it feels like it’s all getting away from me. like life is moving too fast. and it’s taking my precious time with it.
i feel out of control. out of my body, at times. i feel disconnected and everything seems vague and dreamlike. it’s unnerving.
i like to be in control. it’s testing to not be. and it’s taking it’s toll.
oh give me something tangible to take into my dreams. something to hold onto in the darkness. make my life miserably brilliant. depressingly perfect. enviable to myself. bring me my wishes and princes on white horses. rainbows with treasure chests and fairy dust at my bedside. let me wake to beautiful memories of dreams too painfully vivid. everlasting love and til death do we part. those kisses that will bring you back to life.
let me live it and remember it forever.
and these moments now, of uncontrollableness, well let them be a part of it all. the bigger picture of life and other things. the contrast of the serene beauty and the painstaking reality of a passionate life. the ghost of regret that lingers too long, no matter your denial.
i’ll live in the moment. there’s nothing but now. i’ll remember that the next time i listen to you speak, and nothing sinks in. i’ll be present. stay here. listen. take it all in. i won’t be absent, i’ll be involved.
cross my heart.