what i’d give

but don’t ask me now. i don’t have the answers.

i don’t know why it seems that the stars shine brighter or the sun dances with twinkling grace on my skin.

i don’t know why it changes what i do and how i think.

i don’t know much about what you want to know, but i do know about me.

so go ahead.

april fool

a suddenness made from rose petals and champagne - an all-too-soon mix of whiskey emotions.
shocking
and strong
and burning my heart.

it’s the first, today. i’m breathing into happiness and pain. a wonderful realisation of timing, to move on.
unlocking
and gone
and returning to start.

the last time i see you will happen so soon. or maybe it has already passed…

time will tell the depth of my secrets, they’re hidden in the sun, the moon and the stars.

the sun is shining

give me two minutes?

that’s all, i ask. two minutes to tell you everything i can!

it’s nothing like i could have imagined. it’s better, times a trillion.

there’s something to be said, for exploring with your best friend - in a city you’ve never known, but one that feels like home.

i can’t explain just what i think, but i hope you understand. it’s london and the sun is shining and it feels so much like home.

those words

i’m lying in the sun.

lying in the sun and hearing the faint melody of jack johnson. a few doors down, i’d say.

summer is on it’s way.

i haven’t been honest with myself. not lately.

the fountain streams behind me.

it’s like an out of body experience. i don’t know who i am today. the sun warms my skin. i feel that. it’s a perfect moment of fleetingness, and i know that, just like this time i’ve had so far. waiting for summer. making plans. then, changing my mind.

i didn’t know it like i thought i did. and as days passed by, i could see that more and more. until this moment. the sky is just as clear.

it’s just me and my thoughts now, i’m not surprised it took this long.

the flowers fell asleep at dusk…

…pointing towards the sun, drinking every last ray of light as they closed their petals to dream.

the moon hid behind the clouds tonight, the glowing arc peaking through. i wish i could have taken a photo that did it any sort of justice.

sneak inside my thoughts and you’ll see my memory’s happy.

nostalgia.

my chest just tightened when i thought about it.

my breath is leaving me anxious. i’m flooded with vivid memories of maui. that feeling i thought i’d filed subconsciously away just reemerged with a vengeance. i felt the air. the smell of the little hut i lived in…marijuana mixed with insect repellent and lavender.

the humidity and the burning sun and the sand stuck with sunscreen on my skin. the blandness of the water running over my mouth when i stood in that outdoor shower and washed the salt from my face. the sound of the creak in the gate, and the bang as it swung shut.

the heat of the nights.

the sprinklers on shopfronts that cooled me as i rode my bike down front street. the asphalt of the road on my toes as i stopped at stop signs. and dragging my thongs as i took off again. palm trees passing shadows over my body. the air-conditioning of grandma’s place. the big terracotta tiles under my feet in the kitchen, the darkness of the shower with the broken lights and heavy curtain. 

the shade of the banyan tree.

the coolness trapped between the mountains near the waterfalls near the winding roads. the dampness of the ground and the smell of wet dirt under bamboo plants so tall.

the feeling of my legs indented with marks from the swinging cane chair that hung from a palm tree, under the hut, next to the pool, at the place i called my home.

it hurts my chest to think about it.

winter, no blues.

i live for those days. walking and feeling the sun, the air, the coolness. i live for those moments of breathing so deeply i gasp and sob. and the air hits my chest and the feeling floods my body, through my shoulders and arms, to my toes in my shoes.

my fingers pulse and my legs feel a little heavy but the excitement builds and i’m left alone in that moment of mine, just mine, that precious piece of time. 

it’s happening more, lately.

i watch the weather forecast each morning. it’s those unusually warm days in winter; making it through those cold months; and then, that feeling as the weather warms to spring. those are the days that thrill me. 

but for now, the slow burn of this raw winter chill makes me happier than it has in seasons before. somehow, it does.

i walk to work to the beat of the music in my ears. 

i spend my life waiting.

i’m feeling a bit revived. like someone took a tiny ray of the sun and put it in my dreams. i like rainbows, a lot. that honest way they move me when i see them, is what i want to feel everyday - for every minute i live.

i want to know who gave me the sun.

there’s an ambition in me now, one i think i lost for some moments, when i got myself lost in some moments. i feel it bubbling under my skin and deep in my heart. the physical feeling from the smells and the sounds and the memories. the weeks lost in journeys and those people with their stories so full. the cherry that made it all worthwhile.

so grateful, i am. humbled, too. it’s not often you get this lucky - at least i don’t think. so i count my blessings one by one, day by day. you don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

i lay here in a moment that feels like grace. if i could float i think i would. because i’ve found my plans again. i’ll wait, everyday, for however long it takes, to know that i’ll be seeing rainbows.

keep feeding me those little rays of sun.

here comes the sun.

writing doesn’t sit at the top of my priority list right now. it’s becoming something distant. a memory or a dream of something i always long to do…but just never have time.

what a stupid excuse.

life is getting away from me. there are a hundred things i want to do and want to make time to do. i need to get my head in the game. pick up my act. start living and forgetting about the things i should be doing. just do what i feel, live in the moment and forget about the consequences. throw caution to the wind. remember it’s now or never. one chance, one shot, one life.

what do i want?

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